So, as you may or may not have noticed, my website has been reborn. It feels very reflective of my own personal rebirth, showing who I am slowly returning to. I think I have taken a lifetime (62 years!) to figure out who I knew myself to be when I was a kid. A playful, creative cat-lover, with a mushy heart that loves to share and help. My journey is waaaaaaayyyyy too long to relay in a single blog entry, but what I can say is that because of my journey I am settling into what I want to be when I grow up. Someone who helps people find their own soul’s unique creativity while playing and expressing my own. Somewhere along my winding path, I lost touch with that. Life got serious, as it can, and I forgot that I also needed to look for the fun, the beauty, and the love. I got so focused on working on myself, keeping my head above water and getting through the grief from the hard times, that I worked myself into a depression.
In the last year and a half, I feel like I have been through an initiation of sorts (not quite out of it yet) that steadily stripped away layers of who I am not, to start to reveal a more authentic me. She really is closest to my child-self which is more reflective of who my soul is. In trying to be/do/cope/make-a-living/etc./etc. I lost touch with her. All my praying and spiritual activities keep showing this to me. I am so grateful that I never lost my spiritual connection with Source/God and my guides in all their various forms.
If I had, I have no doubt I would be addicted to something that eased the pain or quite possibly dead. Every time I reached out for help, Spirit held me and loved me and kept guiding me back home to myself. This happened in a myriad of ways which I will share over time. The more I dug into my shadows, the more I understood that those were layers I put on to cope with a world I didn’t fit into. What I absolutely know is that creating art is generally the medicine for what ails me, it sooths my soul and is a form of meditation for me. What I have been learning recently is that playing is equally important, and they frequently go hand in hand. Because I have made my living creatively most of my life, the line between art-for-me and making a living can get blurred. I tend to need a healthy dose of playtime, of lightheartedness to bring me back to my sacred child, who tends to be my muse and creates art for the pure joy of creating. When I ask her to constantly work, she looses her spark and ability to enjoy life. On the surface that seems pretty logical but putting it into practice I have found a little tough. Especially when I am also down from the kicks that life can deliver.
I also have a healthy dose of human doing-ness as opposed to human being-ness so goofing off is challenging for me. That tends to mean when I hit a wall I go into stagnation and depression. At those times making myself do simple things like go outside, paint for fun, get some exercise, just feels like climbing up an impossibly steep hill. The last couple of years have been a long process of understanding that my need for playtime is really important for my wellbeing…. And my creative productivity. I wish I could tell you I’ve got it down, but I am still getting a handle on striking a balance. One thing I do know is that when I am playing and doing the things I know my inner child loves, she is lighter, which makes me lighter. She is the one with the brilliant artistic ideas and so the happier and more balanced she is the better my artistic flow. This does not mean that art from angst isn’t a fantastic alchemy. It is, and after much gnashing of my teeth I have created from that dark place. It has helped me both get a handle on what’s going on for me as well as just being purely cathartic. However, those creations are not generally what I love to do. I will say that the more I have created from this curious place of pure cathartic expression, the more gifts I discover about myself.
There is extraordinary gold within the shadow and grief or anger. When I allow my soul to speak through art, profound messages come through. It is also a huge relief as it brings understanding for both myself and my child self. Basically, art in all the ways I create it are just different aspects of me expressing themselves. I have found huge value in this as I went through some deeply challenging times. It also releases the weight my child is carrying and frees her up to be more playful and create from that beautiful place. Art for me is simply the expression of my soul. Playing and laughing helps to lighten the worries I carry so that my soul enjoys the creative process more. It’s also just soooo much nicer to exist from a playful lighthearted space. I’m not totally there yet. But I am getting better at helping myself out of the depression and stagnation. I have developed some programs based on what I am learning. If youre curious, have a look at the “play-shops” I am offering. I can teach you how to express yourself through art and also how to find your own unique creative voice. It sure makes life more enjoyable!
